In brief: A 2026 study of over 4,000 single adults found that why you want a relationship shapes the goals you set — and whether you reach them. Singles driven by genuine desire for connection built intimacy and healthy partnerships, while those driven by a need for validation or social pressure made less progress, possibly because pursuing a relationship to fix your self-image gets in the way of connecting. For LGBTQI+ adults, where shame and minority stress often make dating a search for proof of worthiness, this distinction matters enormously.
If you have ever come away from a date feeling less like you met a person and more like you sat an exam you might have failed — this research is for you.
A new study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science suggests that the reason you want a relationship quietly determines what you look for, how you behave, and how successful you are. And for LGBTQI+ singles — many of whom carry years of shame, invalidation and minority stress into their dating lives — the findings land with particular weight.
Note: This article is for education and is not a substitute for clinical, medical or psychological support.
What did the new study find?
Researchers at the University of Toronto recruited 4,019 single adults aged 18–39 and asked them two things: why they wanted a relationship, and what their personal dating goals were for the next six months. Participants wrote down roughly 12,000 goals between them, which the team sorted into 41 themes — from “go on dates” to “build intimacy” to “remain single.” Six months later, over 3,000 participants returned to rate their progress (Hawkins, Thapar, Ryan & MacDonald, 2026).
The headline finding: singles who simply wanted to be in a relationship — any relationship — made less progress than those who wanted a quality connection.
“You would think that entering a relationship is easier than entering a quality relationship,” said lead author Laura Hawkins. “But singles who simply wanted to enter a relationship (irrespective of quality) actually made less progress on this goal.”
The researchers’ explanation is striking: if you are fundamentally pursuing partnership to improve your self-image, that very motivation may hinder your ability to build a romantic connection. In an ironic twist, the reason you want a relationship may be driving potential partners away.
What are the five motivations behind wanting a relationship?
The study used self-determination theory — a well-established framework that places motivation on a spectrum from fully internal to fully external. Here is what each type looked like in practice:
| Motivation type | What drives it | Goals it produced | Progress after 6 months |
|---|---|---|---|
| Intrinsic | Genuinely enjoying connection for its own sake | Fun, emotional intimacy, healthy relationships | Higher quality goals; less likely to want to stay single |
| Identified | Personally valuing partnership as important | Committed, long-term relationships | Focused on depth and commitment |
| Introjected | Avoiding guilt, proving self-worth, escaping shame | Going on dates, sex, improving attractiveness and confidence | Less progress — quantity over quality |
| External | Pressure from family, friends or society | Simply going on dates | Goals driven by others’ expectations |
| Amotivation | No desire for a relationship at all | Remaining single, or no goals | Highest “progress” — though staying single is a goal you can achieve alone |
One important nuance the researchers stressed: singles who didn’t want to partner were not necessarily avoidant. Many were actively and contentedly pursuing singlehood. The problem isn’t wanting a relationship or not wanting one — it’s wanting one for reasons that sabotage the connection you’re seeking.
Why does this matter more for LGBTQI+ singles?
The study didn’t break results down by sexual orientation or gender identity — but for LGBTQI+ adults, the “introjected” pattern (dating to prove you’re lovable, escape guilt, or quiet shame) is rarely a neutral habit. It is often the direct product of growing up in a world that told you love was conditional.
The research on this is consistent. Minority stress — the chronic experience of stigma, vigilance and expected rejection — is a well-documented driver of poorer mental health in LGBTQI+ populations (Meyer, 2003). Shame plays a central role: it damages relationships, increases loneliness and worsens health outcomes (Mereish & Poteat, 2015), and a prospective population-based study found shame explains a significant part of the sexual-orientation gap in mental health (Pachankis et al., 2024).
When you grow up absorbing the message that who you are is “wrong,” dating stops being about connection and quietly becomes about evidence-gathering:
- If someone chooses me, maybe I’m not broken.
- If I’m desired, maybe I’m acceptable.
- If I’m partnered, maybe I’ve finally disproved what they said about me.
This is the introjected pattern the study describes — wearing LGBTQI+ clothes. And as we explored in Queer Attachment Styles, when love feels conditional, every date carries the weight of a verdict rather than the possibility of a meeting.
What does validation-seeking dating look like in real life?
Introjected motivation rarely announces itself. It tends to show up as recognisable patterns — many of which we’ve written about individually:
| Pattern | What it looks like | Where we’ve explored it |
|---|---|---|
| Dating as self-worth repair | Each match or message is a hit of reassurance; each silence feels like confirmation of your worst fears | HypnoCBT for LGBTQI+ Dating Anxiety |
| The exam-date | You spend dates performing and monitoring — “Am I doing this right?” — instead of actually experiencing the other person | Why Being Seen Feels Unsafe |
| Fear of rejection vs fear of being seen | You crave connection but panic when someone actually gets close, because being truly seen risks the shame you’ve been managing | Fear of Rejection vs Fear of Being Seen |
| Perfectionist self-presentation | You can only date when you feel attractive, successful or “together” enough — worthiness must be earned first | Perfectionism Is a Survival Strategy |
| App-driven overload | Endless swiping for validation spikes while your nervous system gets more dysregulated | Dating Apps and Nervous System Overload |
| Dating to meet expectations | Pursuing partnership because family, culture or timeline says you “should” | Queer Dating Anxiety: Issues & Solutions |
Notice the pattern: in every case, the date is not really about the other person. It’s about managing what the date means about you. That is precisely the dynamic the new study found predicted poorer outcomes.
Why does dating for validation backfire?
The study’s authors suggest that pursuing partnership to improve your self-image interferes with the actual work of connection. There are several reasons this rings true clinically:
It puts your nervous system on high alert. If a date is a referendum on your worth, your body treats it as a threat. Hypervigilance, overthinking and emotional flashbacks follow — none of which support genuine intimacy.
It makes you a performer, not a participant. When you’re managing your image, you’re not curious about the other person — and people can feel the difference between being met and being auditioned for.
It hands your self-worth to strangers. Every outcome — a reply, a ghosting, a second date — becomes evidence for or against your value. This is exhausting, and it mirrors the same conditional-worth loop described in LGBTQI+ Shame and Emotional Suppression.
It selects for the wrong relationships. When the goal is “be chosen,” anyone willing to choose you can feel like the answer — even people who are wrong for you or unsafe for you.
How do you know which motivation is driving you?
A few honest questions can reveal your current pattern:
| Ask yourself | If the answer is yes, you may be dating from… |
|---|---|
| “Do I feel a spike of relief — rather than joy — when someone shows interest?” | Introjected (validation-seeking) motivation |
| “Would I rather be chosen by someone unsuitable than not chosen at all?” | Introjected motivation |
| “Am I dating because I genuinely want to share my life, or because being single feels like evidence something is wrong with me?” | Intrinsic/identified vs introjected |
| “Do I replay dates hunting for what I did wrong, rather than how I felt with them?” | Introjected motivation and the internal critic |
| “Am I dating because others expect it — family, culture, the ‘timeline’?” | External motivation |
| “Honestly — do I want a relationship right now at all?” | If no: that’s valid. The study found contented singlehood is an active, healthy choice, not a failure |
There is no shame in any honest answer. The point is not to judge your motivation but to see it — because motivation you can see is motivation you can change.
How do you shift from dating-for-validation to dating-for-connection?
The shift is less about forcing new behaviour and more about changing what dating is for. Four practices help:
| Practice | How to do it | Why it works |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Name the real need | Before a date, ask: “What am I hoping this proves about me?” Write the answer down. | Shame loses power when it’s made explicit. You can’t update a belief you haven’t seen. |
| 2. Swap the question | Replace “Do they like me?” with “Do I feel safe and curious with them?” | This reorients attention from performance to experience — the hallmark of intrinsic motivation. |
| 3. Build worth outside dating | Deliberately invest in friendships, community and solo pleasure that affirm you without a partner’s validation | Reduces the “stakes” of each date, so your nervous system can stay regulated enough to connect |
| 4. Let being chosen be the baseline, not the prize | Treat mutual interest as the starting point of evaluation, not the conclusion of it | Shifts you from “please pick me” to “is this actually good for me?” — a quality-first goal |
Self-compassion matters here. Research on shame-based experiences of homophobic bullying found that self-compassionate actions buffer the damage shame does to mental health (Seabra et al., 2022). You cannot hate yourself into a motivation that connects you to others.
How does HypnoCBT help change dating motivation at the root?
Here’s the challenge: validation-seeking dating isn’t a conscious choice. It’s driven by a subconscious belief — “I am only lovable if someone chooses me” — usually installed years before your first date. You can understand the new study perfectly and still feel your stomach drop when a match goes quiet.
This is why insight alone often isn’t enough, and why HypnoCBT works on both levels at once:
| Component | What it does for dating motivation |
|---|---|
| CBT | Identifies the specific rules driving validation-seeking (“If I’m single, I’m failing”), tests the evidence for them, and builds a more accurate, compassionate narrative about your worth. LGBTQ-affirmative CBT has demonstrated improved mental health outcomes in randomised controlled trials (Pachankis et al., 2015). |
| Clinical hypnotherapy | Works at the subconscious level to reduce the “alarm” attached to rejection and to being seen, rehearsing dates from a state of safety so connection — not self-defence — becomes the default. Hypnosis has been shown to reliably elicit feelings of safety (Schmidt, 2022) and post-hypnotic safety suggestions improve stress coping with long-lasting effects (Schmidt, Rohleder & Engert, 2024). A 20-year meta-analysis supports hypnosis across mental health concerns (Rosendahl, Alldredge & Haddenhorst, 2024). |
The goal is not to make you “better at dating.” It’s to make dating about connection again — so the intrinsic motivation the research links to real intimacy has room to emerge.
The answer might lie inwards
“As a singlehood researcher I often get asked ‘how do I find “the one”?'” Hawkins noted. “Our data suggests that answer might lie inwards.”
For LGBTQI+ singles, going inwards often means meeting the shame that turned dating into a courtroom in the first place — with kindness rather than more judgement. You learned to date for proof because somewhere along the line, your worth was put on trial. That was never a fair trial, and you were never the problem.
Whether you want a relationship or a joyful single life, you get to want it for your reasons — not as a defence against an old accusation.
What can you do next?
- Understand your patterns: Take the free LGBTQI+ Anxiety Self-Assessment.
- Read the recovery framework: Beyond Survival: A Practical Guide to LGBTQI+ Anxiety covers shame, attachment and building safety in connection.
- Practise daily regulation: “Regulate” App offers tools to calm your nervous system before and after dates.
- Join the structured programme: The Beyond Survival Course walks you from survival-mode relating to grounded, authentic connection.
- Explore one-to-one support: Visit How We Help or learn more about HypnoCBT to see whether personalised therapy is right for you.